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Subject:whatever today is....
Time:03:22 am
Really, I don't see why I don't end my own life. Really, I have nothing much to live for. I wake up the next morning, but for what? Really, I don't know. All my dreams are smashed and no longer exist, I don't have a significant other... I really guess that the only reason I wake up each day is because I'm too scared to try to end it all again. ...maybe someday I'll get lucky...
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Time:06:16 am
Here I have a blank page that could be filled with infinite possibilities, yet nothing comes to mind to speak about. That's my only real problem as of late it seems. Nothing really to talk about.

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Current Music:Gothminister - Monsters
Subject:A quick update...
Time:09:24 pm
I can't afford LEGOs at the moment, so I've found a zen in storyboarding out scenes for films. I used to hate the process but not only is it a calming exercise in strenthing my very weak illustrative abilities, but it also requires patience, which I'm hoping will replenish my patience in other realms of my life. Also they help in production too, which is their main appeal, I'm just going all New Age with it.

I'm trying to cease my isolation. It's hard to break. I'm strange like that.

I did get a FILM account on myspace. I don't have anything up yet, but if and when I do, I will feature it in a journal entry with link and description. I'm not afraid to shamelessly plug my own shit. Yeah, it's exciting. :-)

Hehe, I'm starting to have fun with these little projects again. And that's a good sign. Maybe it'll get me in a productive state of being. That would be cool.

I'm trying to tutor my friend Matt on some of the basics of Fruity Loops. I think I have a unique use for the program, I think I've adapted it to my needs in a way that closely resembles it intended purpose. And it'd be much easier if I could visually show him somehow rather try to do it over MSN. I'd like to be able to see what it's doing when he has a question. The stuff he's done while just testing the trial out and playing aroud is impressive. I liked it. I guess we're working on towards making some sort of music session, by mixing and matching our stuff to create what I'm guessing is to be some of the most fucked up stuff we can fathom. "The [FK] Sessions", as it has been officially dubbed in, in the [FK] tradition of unofficial selection, but it made sense, so we went with it.

Speaking of fucked up shit, Silent Hill. Ok, the critics that panned this movie, if any of those same fucks gave Resident Evil the thumbs up, they should burn in the special hell reserved for rapists, child molesters, and people who talk at the theatre. I mean seriously. This wasn't a bad movie. It took on a very hefty challenge, which is always a very difficult situation when adapting a videogame to a movie. I chose to pit this movie against Resident Evil because I hold a grudge against the first movie. So I guess this point of view is from a fan of survial horror games, especially Resident Evil, and from a studier of film arts and story development, and all the technical challenges involved in horror movies. And there! There's my first point scored for Silent Hill. Silent Hill was filmed as a horror movie, unlike Resident Evil, which was filmed as an action movie. Ok, I'm not going to lie, my Silent Hill knowledge is lacking. I never played 3. 2 was a long time ago, almost beat the first one, and beat the shit out of a dog-like creature with a steel pipe in the the 4th one. I do know that a lot of camera work was designed to mimic the feel of the camera angles from the game, which gave me a nerdy chubby because it's not usual for hollywood to pay attention to details of the games their adapting movies from. A scene from Silent Hill that also tickled my nerd bone was the one where the main character finds the flashlight. It's such a cliche'd horror story premise but it was presented in game cut-scene-like fashion, so it seemed like it really paid homage to games like Fatal Frame where your only other tool is a flashlight. The ending was bit weird, but it seems logical for it to end that way... I don't know why, I just knew that it was. It seemed like how those crazy asian horror video game writers would leave you hanging. I give Silent Hill a A for it's adaptation, and even though some of the CGI is noticable, it all creates a spooky atmosphere and works out pretty well, especially with amount of special effects they tried to include to capture more of the game's essence. In comparison, I give Resident Evil a D, only because it brings the Umbrella Corporation to reality. I thought RE:Apocalypse was much better than the first. I give it a B-.

Ok, I think that I've really said more than I wanted to, so I must go. ...but first, I'd like to caress this rusty kettle.

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Current Music:Deadsy - Key to Gramercy & Ben Folds Five - Not the Same
Subject:A change in the works...
Time:09:21 am
I've taken some time recently after having one of the worst times I've yet to encounter in my little film career to really think if this was the way I wanted to go, because it was making me miserable and a shit to boot (I was all none too pleasant). But then that got me to thinking deeper on the subject... WHY is this making me so damn miserable. It's because I haven't been noticing but I've been putting so much pressure on myself that I'm kicking my own ass. I want each and everyone of these to count and be something big and great... but it's not quite working out like that with a $5 budget... :-( And when it comes to my video work I will never be satisfied until I believe that I've reached perfection... and I had all these things working against me, plus massive editing software communication failure (which has NOW been resolved... for the moment) was breaking my threshold of my ability to tolerate and deal with stress. SO! I've begun tapping into the things and memories that has lead me to wanting to do Film... all the good stuff, and I'm really starting get ahold of it all again though I can definitely feel the rift between then and now. I can tell the point where the idealisms have torn away from each other. So I guess I just gotta pick up some Elmer's Soul Glue from Walmart and piece it all back together again. I'd use the paste but I just can't stop eating it.

A lot of things have changed.

The power of LEGOs is amazing. I decided to commit to a video project idea that I was forming and I went to discover the LEGO selection readily available in retail. I found a series called Exo-Force which looks like a Gundam Anime inspired eningeering. Putting these things together was a trip. I felt like a kid again, and I'm reminded that construction was half the fun. They're so cool. While I was at Walmart buying "Sentry" and "Uplink" I ran into Phil one of our old East End Boys. And he made a joking comment about them coming with a dice or card game... and that was like a neutron surge of ideas... *Envision this* You get to customize your machine with character, it's style and look, and it's open to invention and change... for example you can build a new weapon or a new machine altogether... well... ok so maybe it still only makes sense to me, but then you merry to all this customization a base rule set, in a Dungeons and Dragons format. The action would go down via Dice Rolls (so it's a game of stats and chance)... and well... that's just sort of the raw idea. Here's the weird part... the game would be fun yeah, but I actually devised the game so I could use the outcome of games and all of what took part in it as a basis to script a series of LEGO Stop-Motion movies... or well... kinda. Ah... it's still all untuned floating around in imagination land.

At least the ideas are forming. The time I stop stressing about all my film stuff, the ideas starting coming back.

My poor computer... it looks like a Frankenstein creation. It's got USB cables coming out of every free slot... USB Webcam, Wireless Mouse, Trackball Mouse for editing, USB transfer for Digital Cam, External Harddrive (Video takes up a lot of space..), Firewire for DV Cam, T.V. cable into the All In Wonder Tv Tuner and that cable is attached to RF Modulator to accept RCA and S-Video inputs (Analog-Digital Video Transfer bitches!), my Audigy 2 Soundcard with outs to Headphones, Desktop, and Surround Sound speakers, Mic in from my headset... and... uh... I think that about does it. Of course I didn't mention AC cord, CAT5, VGA w/ DVI-VGA adapter attached. And yes... I am running out of USB ports. I don't even have my printers (yes plural) hooked up. I am a geek. Talk nerdy to me, cause I just yelled out my mating cry.

I plan to see Silent Hill tomorrow night, so in the traditional ways of my circle of friends, we've begun to immerse ourselves in some Silent Hill. Dodger picked up Silent Hill 4. I played a little. With a steel pipe, I beat the shit out of a dog with a Gene Simmons tongue... and beat the shit out of it I did. That's about all I did. I didn't want to get too into the game cause I had to leave soon. And nothing sux more than breaking a video game chi flow. :-(

Hmmm... I'm haven't gone too deep into self today... and I'm not really feeling like doing so. LEGOs have taken over me. I want more... must have more... must build...

As I've said in my mating call about, I can do Analog-Digital video transfers now... so that means a lot of my old footage can be made to be posted on the net as soon as I overcome two obstacles... first, I gotta find and master a compression scheme that I like so I can make the files smaller. Second I have to find hosting. However on that note I will keep all up to date.

Aww crap, I guess it's time to go. I'm playing starting to play with my Exo-Force guys... so I guess that means until next time... laters.

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Current Music:Placebo - Pure Morning & Cradle of Filth - Nyphetamine Fix
Subject:Diary of a Madman
Time:06:41 am
Current Mood:weirdweird


As time passes, I find myself desiring more and more for isolation. Isolation to work, create, and wind my spells of imagination throughout the web of my deteriorating mind. It's a game of hide and seek.

In retrospect the whole "Whiskey in the Jar" era of my life kinda fucked me in a way. Looking back, I've noticed that, I, having allowed myself to explore the ideas and characters had opened a door for their personalities on paper, but little did I know that the same exploration would partially consume me and take hold in reality. Where as I was once filled with sarcasm and quirky little comments I am now filled with dark, mean comedy, that draws up laughter in me and wells up tears of negative nature within my audience. Perhaps it was always there but I'd found the way to release it. Now how do I box it back up? Do I revert back to "Warrior Earth" thinking to try to attempt a counter to the current inner mentality? Shall I sign another declaration of war within to add another fight to the battles already raging fiercely inside?

My biggest sin, as I'd always thought, was lust. But with age and new wisdoms, I know now that my biggest sin by far is pride. From pride stems desires for revenge and my superhuman talent to hold an adamant grudge. Perhaps it's my Pride that fuels my dark side. Have I been going the wrong way to fight the inner demons of my dark side? My assault has always been to draw out the light within to cancel out the shadows but the light always fades away... but maybe it's not a two front battle, maybe I need to directly attack the darkness at it's root which I am starting to suspect is Pride. Some Buddhist sects (more so in times past) live as beggars in a way, surviving off the charity of others in order to seperate themselves from their need for physical possesions (the anti-venom of Greed), but in truly considering this path the biggest hinderance for myself is my pride... which is the first time I'd seen with my own eyes the extent that it runs within me. It is my pride that prevents me from completely breaking out and making a fool of myself and pushes me to attempt to be perfect and flawless, especially with all my work. It won't allow me to experiment and fail and accept it... it makes me tread the waters until I know it's safe to swim the waters. It keeps me from gambling with my arts... and that really sux.

I speak of sins as though I am grounded in words of god, even though I do not follow that path. The evils released from Pandora's box may be of large importance in biblical theology but regardless of belief, the Sins are a rather defined list of evil that plagues man into corruption. The sins are the primal desires trying to be erradicated by civilized animals (humans). I do truly seek to erase from my soul as many of these as I can but I know I shall never do so, and I don't fool myself into believing that I ever will... I am a beast, a creature, an animal. To master this understanding is a vital key into one's self. Will I ever master myself? Maybe, when I am old, grey, and nearing my end perhaps, but realistically I do not believe so. A little control is worth much more than chaos though.

Quite the philosopher I've become it seems, but how can I say that I came to be this way? Observation. I've never read into the works or writings of the great philosophers, nor attended any classes. I haven't had any education in Psychology or Sociology. The only readings that can attribute to any of this is my limited research into the teachings of Buddha Shaymuni and a small few Buddhas that have come after him.. but not nearly enough to be the basis or a major influence of my own observations.

Ok, enough of being a madman in those respects. Lets us indulge in maniacal thought in another way.

I hate film editing. Patience is a virtue, but it most certainly is not one that I utilize. It takes so goddamn long to piece shit together. *sigh* My last editing sitting filled me with enough frustration to urge me to abandon the idea of filmmaking altogether... but I'm slowly recovering from the incident. I really, really, really need a crew... and a fucking editor so I don't have to do it... but I know that if I want something done the way I want it, I gotta do it myself. Allowing help ALWAYS means compromise, something that one has to be prepared to accept. I can recognize that fact, but I'm not about to accept it yet. I do have two more film projects planned and in motion. And the first one was ok, but I have to go back and re-edit. Apparently my first version was a little taboo, and it's not quite the way that I want it, I compromised my own integrity by attempting to make it a little bit friendlier, but I failed horribly because it was suggested to me that I keep a "Director's Cut" for myself and a more... PG version for my portfolio. That is a wise idea, so I am going to redo my video in it's original idea form, and then create a second final edit for business purposes, if indeed I intended to follow this silly flight of fancy into the realm of business.

I spoke early of my "Whiskey in the Jar" era, and I did read into my notebook with all my scenes in it, and I still maintain that it is good premise as well as very entertaining and humorous. I still manage to amaze myself at how well I can articulate and communicate ideas with words so vividly. All this that I have written is all crap to me, but who knows I may look back on it and think it's pretty good.

The only downside about writing to me is the slow pace that I must take. I must create and exist within the fantasy world that is the subject. I must be engulfed and encompassed by every aspect of the imagination. It's like going into a trance... I lose track of time and it's very draining.

My main goal as of late, in regards to my artwork, has been to attempt to recapture the spirit and idealism that I used to have in Highschool, before reality raped me. It's not as easy as it seems. Ignorance can be bliss and many times I find I'd rather be gifted with extreme ignorance opposed to my observative nature. The entire idea behind this idea to instill myself with that old spirit is to tap into it for inspiration and perserverance in the face of adversity and merge it with my now better understanding of filmmaking and storytelling. I guess if I REALLY wanted to, I could always go back to my roots and start blowing chunks of time on stopmotion animation again. It seemed to work out in my favor in the old days... but now Robot Chicken on Cartoon Network has trumped me. And Seth Green is good at it. The fucker. lol. I love that show. I also loved Greg the Bunny, and I detest FOX for starting shows that are good and then dropping them early in their life (Family Guy, Firefly, John Doe, Greg the Bunny, Fastlane...).

I guess that is where the majority of my creative energy is being appropriated, but I'm not gonna complain, I don't mind. Because ideas are always turning in (on) the pot on the back burner.

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Current Music:Peccatum - I am the Black Star
Subject:Sitting here, half drunk, half alive, and wearing fingernail polish.
Time:08:50 pm
Current Mood:Doesn't matter
The fingernail polish is only partially true. It's the remenants of a drinking night where some girls thought it would be fun to make me look gay or something, but hey, it was attention so I let'em paint me up like a whore, why the fuck not? I don't have any shame anymore. And I got most of it off... but tattered splotches still remain. That night didn't go very good. No night goes very good. At least I didn't end up walking the dark streets of poverty stricken Chicago this time though... I guess.

Hey! Vodka!

Ok, good deal, now I'm on my way to a little more retarded, a little more drunk, and little less alive. Yeah, you know you're in seriously fucked way when Opeth is blaring in your ears and you can barely spell your name... or even say it for that matter.

I know that the two or maybe one person that ever reads, or has ever read, my journal would probably like to know why there is such a long delay in posting another entry. </sarcasm> Well lets just say I've bored the world (both people) with my relentless bitching and whining, and further more I've ran out of quirky, intelligent things to say. Even my sanctuary of writing has fallen prey to my curses that I carry upon me in this world, and they've become saturated with more negativity than anyone can handle. But I did try to fight against the grain and wrote a little Warrior Earth today. ... it used to be so good... what the hell happened to me?

I found one that Ellie and I were collaborating on... it was good. I actually enjoyed reading it... I don't think that I ever sent my part to her, but that's kid's stuff now I guess.

I read into a couple more that I'd written but never finished... and they were pretty good... and once I again, I wonder, what THE FUCK happened to me? Why can't I capture those kinds of things anymore?

Have ya noticed I'm suffering from a severe case of psychotic frustration! BECAUSE I FUCKING AM!!!! GRRRRRRR!!!!

Well besides the very rare and occasional alcohol consumption, my substance abuse has continued to be non-existent. yay... and everyone does a dance and the world seems a little happier, and for one minute all the sad, starving, diseased children dying in the streets look to the sky and a glimmer of hope sparkles in their eyes as silence falls over the planet... all because I stopped smoking weed. </sarcasm> Then someone farts, everyone giggles, and the moment is lost forever.

Ok, it's obvious now I'd think, I'm done.

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Current Music:The Killers - Somebody Told Me
Subject:Update on the wonderful world of Timon...
Time:12:12 pm
Current Mood:aggravatedaggravated

Ok, so, I stopped smoking pot. Yay... I guess. I miss it... I'm not gonna lie, it dulled out a lot of the bullshit that I have to deal with on a day to day basis... er at least bullshit feelings of loneliness and blah, blah, blah. And I didn't used to have these fucking weird ass psychcotic dreams that I'm having now. Of course it doesn't help that I've gotten back into studying horror movies and that is apparently unlocking the darkest fucking dimensions of my imagination... w00t. ...

Well I did get my ADD meds, FINALLY... but I can't take them regularly because I've replaced smoking the pot with drinking the Jagermeister and I guess all the pschotropic meds and alcohol don't mix. So I have to choose one or the other... and I'll be goddamned if I am giving the Jager. You don't like it, you can fuck off.

I've met a most interesting young lady, Elizabeth, and I just found out that's she's been accepted to Purdue University. :-) Good news for her, but I'm gonna give a pursuit of a relationship, because well those college girls just seem to break my heart... bitches. Yeah, you cunts know who you are.

Well, the Dodger turned 19, so that means, trip to WINDSOR!!! CANADA you are on our to do list!!!
Ah, do the adventures ever end? lol. ... Getting all rowdy in international territories, FUCK YEAH. Gonna pull a redneck recon, our mission, drink all the liquor so the Canadians can't have any. I accept.
Secondary Mission, use diplomatic means to persuade female types to perform lewd acts. I accept.

I gotta write Maria another a letter today. I love that gal to death. She's become one of my best friends.

I saw the Exorcist for the first time ever last night.... it was a GREAT movie. Which brings to my next point about our little trip into the woods a few nights ago. I've never heard girls scream so loud... lol. Late night, by a pond where a dead body was found and we happened to find several baby dolls with their eyes gouged out... it was creepy as all hell... and sooooooooooo fun. Liz and Christy have never been so scared in their lives. They couldn't sleep that night. Poor gals. How did they sleep? I'm good with my hands. :-) HAHAHAHAHA... ok...

Liz and I screamed the back roads the other day @ 110 mph... WOOHOO!!!... I had to slow down... it started raining and I was gonna start hill jumping. She didn't go nearly as fast when she was driving. She likes my car. :-) Yay. Well, that's really all to talk about I guess. Kevin's wedding is coming up. I get to be a part of that and that's cool.

Well, later.

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Current Music:October Falls - Marras I
Subject:Children of Bodom - Everytime I die
Time:08:12 am
Current Mood:bouncybouncy
Fuck yeahzor! Last night I spent just about all of my energy in a jam session with some newly met guitarists. Talk about some energy! Holy shit! There were 4 of us, all guitarists, and we all brought our gear and they would start busting out amazingly good sounding rffs and then I'd start sizzling over them with some leads, there was lots of headbanging and I was actually pleased with my playing for the majority, for once. My Jackson Flying V is a good guitar but it needs a restring and doesn't have nearly the sound that I love from my ESP, I learned that. And the sound was so thick with so many guitars... damn... if only we'd had a drummer! I drove an hour just to get there!

Tonight! Collective Soul, live! Hell yeah. Of course... I'm gonna be facing the evil again known as Pierre's. And since I am in drug rehab, I can't really drink, so that should be a plus for me. Yeah, I'm drug rehab, AND I'm supposed to be going to AA meetings too. It's all kind of a bullshit in a package. I just went to a therapist to get a perscription to treat my ADD, and low and behold, I find myself in a rehab/group therapy every business day of the week. And I am still without prescription for combating A.D.D... ... fuckers.

Maria and I have been txting and talking together everynight on the phone. She's such a sweetheart. We've taken up the lost art of letter writing to each other. I sent her a package with pics and a nice long letter. :-) And now I eagerly await a reply letter.

Speakin of letter writing! I'm hoping that I will get a chance to write to Dodger soon. I didn't really think that I'd miss that turd so much, but I guess I do more than I thought. Things have been a lot less exciting since he's been gone.

Carl and Eriko have been pushing very hard to get me set up with all the information and tools needed to help me focus on my study and embracing of Buddhism. They absolutely adore me for some reason or another. Actually, as I've come to find out every real, practicing Buddhist that I've met seems to absolutely adore me. Now... where are all the young, single, Buddhist ladies that adore me? Eh? Well, I'm sure I'll run into one eventually. Carl and Eriko have get togethers all the time, and there is an S.G.I district meeting coming up soon, and they're already spreading my name around. Geez, you'd think I was the Jesus of the Buddha. Perhaps I've got that sort of charisma... who knows.

Yesterday I got a lovely string of flattering comments on how beutiful and gorgeous my hair is. I'm really, REALLY starting to think that I need to capitalize on this. Hopefully the shine of life will return to my eyes someday, and that would be great.

Goddamn, I'm in a focused mood like nothing else today. I just want to sit here and write and write and write. Unfortunately, no such time exists. I am keeping myself busy like a mofo. I gotta leave from here soon and get out on the road to new adventures. *sigh* Sometimes I grow weary of them, but it's better than sitting in isolation and the solitude of my room, dreaming and hoping of things that would never be, and caught in a cycle of pain and old wounds. So I say fuck that.

Listened to Mitch Hedberg's CD the other day. I had to pay hommage to one of my fallen heroes.

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Current Music:The Killers - On Top
Subject:What have we here!?
Time:11:41 pm
Current Mood:creativecreative
I've been lead to an animator that is trying to push me to bring story ideas to him for animation... and I think that I have, in my head, begun turning the gears on something that could be great. Starring characters affectionately named, "Sin" and "Hillbilly Hellcat." If my animator will buy into the idea that is. I'm not sure where his point of indecency is... not saying that this is all indecent, I'm just saying is he going pass on it if it has a drug reference or sexual innuendo? Or maybe too much violence? Offensive language? [immature] Adult situations? So... I guess anything that I think may be a taboo, I'll have to use in good taste. No storyline as of yet until I think out on the characters some more and feel out where to take it.

Since I've changed up the chi of my room, I think that I found a good spot to film an idea for a film that I was really excited about awhile back. I think that my room will make due fine. I need to move to the story writing and realizing stage now, and get it to mesh with all the concepts that I've already created, because the story itself must be an organic flowing piece independent of the aforementioned ideas. Simply put, I can't just connect the dots, where a good idea or a cool camera shot is a dot and the lines drawn to connect them are representations of a lot of bullshit that sucks. Anyway, it can be done. It won't look professional by any means, but it will be an experience and a model to look back upon if I were to ever remake it on film in a more professional manner.

Got lots of things floating around in the old noggin. I've watched dick for tv as of late. I haven't had the time... I'm gonna overflow my mind with anime soon I think... yes... I think I need an injection of anime right about now.

I have a LAN Party of sorts going on. We're havin [FK] promblems as usual. Our game of choice tonight is Diablo II + The Expansion... whatever it's called. Last night it was WoW... tonight it's D2! Biotch! Or not.

I got a hit of X for a special occasion, when I decide to pop it. Never rolled before. I got try it at least once. Wish Dodger was still around, that would've made things more interesting, to say the least.

Well, I'm out. I've got things to do and sin to spread. If you ask, I will chant for you. :-)

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Current Music:Silence. Isn't it beautiful?
Subject:Where to begin!
Time:08:08 am
Current Mood:energeticenergetic
Chicago + Jager + Counterstrike = Hell of an [FK]/=GFS= adventure!
I am a practicing Buddhist. And faith has been tried, tested, and proven to my heart's content.
Psychotherapy + Anti-Depressants
OMFG, the many, many, many interesting adventures of "Sin and Hillbilly Hellcat," which is myself and my brother Erik.
Ideas out the yin yang.
Not to mention I'm starting to finally break through to my the charm and charisma that usually sits under my surface.
Made many lasting [positive] impressions on quite a few people.
And last thing I can think of, Erik, the Hillbilly Hellcat, shipped out for the USMC on 7/5/05, and I was there to see my brother and friend off.
My LGP office/studio is getting a make-over. Internet Radio Station, broadcasting from the office is has been talked about.
Plus reading. I've got LOTS of fucking reading on queue.

I can't really go into a shit ton of details on the lot, because I've grown into quite a busy fucker. Life is, dare I say it, finally decent. Not perfect, but I am smiling, flirting, and moving forward.

...just wait till I post the pics... They have a hell of a story to tell.

Gotta go, I have somewhere to be and something to do in an hour.

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